| 0 The Fool. |
[03 Dec 2009|04:54am] |
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I just wasted my time again. As always. I'm so tired of myself. I really just want a storm to come and tear my room apart.
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| Go back... to the beginning. |
[01 Dec 2009|01:59am] |
Pros
I get my own space again.
I can use the restroom without having to cross the hall.
I dont have to carry a bath caddy to the shower
I won't have an RA to deal with
I could possibly redecorate my room.
IT would be a hella alot cheaper. Like nothing.
I could work more while doing school
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| EDIT! |
[26 Nov 2009|11:17pm] |
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I know that sounded suicidal and emoqueesha rant but thats how I felt about a minute ago. I am happy to report I have calmed down slightly :)
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[21 Oct 2009|10:13am] |
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I just wish I could turn invisible today, still be held attended in all my classes.... just invisible. I really am just a bad adapter I guess.
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[08 Oct 2009|03:58am] |
Cameron Richard Kyle Bertolotti is going to reveal you for what you truthfully are: a monster.
: )
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| Ghost of Corporate Future |
[20 Aug 2009|02:14am] |
Well it seems once again I am not getting any sleep, overeating, and watching Weeds. Just an ordinary night for me. laugh out loud. So yeah I've been dealt a bad hand this year: I went through a strain of boys (and Robots) that were wrong for me, I got braces (again), I've gained 20 pounds, and I basically feel like I've lost my mojo which kind of makes everything else not work so right..... BUT what is one to do? Just live through it try to make the best of the shitty cards I have and make it so I at least finish with a decent score on the notepad.
No He Can't READ my poker face..... or something like that.
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| Every Now and Then |
[14 Aug 2009|11:55pm] |
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So I finally found someone who can help me and he is officially the one: he totally understands what is going wrong with me and I hope he can help and I think he will. The only problem is I dont know if it will be in time oh well getting fixed anytime is better than not being fixed at all. I'm just worried see I've lost my mojo and I'm trying to get back what used to make me so happy and proud in myself and of course college is the perfect place to reinvent yourself but the only problem is is there will be people attending there that knew that person I let myself become a few years back. I guess I will just have to deal with them. Show them im different? I dont know.... they arent worth it. But I know I can't avoid them oh well I will deal.
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[01 Aug 2009|03:29pm] |
I guess it's time to stop being bitter and get better.
And I need to stop all the negative self talk its bringin' me down.
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[20 Jul 2009|06:10pm] |
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Another Counsler bites the dust although he did get 135 fucking dollars to bite it. I am sick of my sisters and my family and just everything.
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| Potential. |
[14 Jul 2009|12:30am] |
I feel like I have alot of it but I feel like it's never going to be truely reached and that is my biggest fear right now. I feel like I am decent at drawing and artsy stuff and such but I really feel like I will never make true art. And I know art is what people think it is but whatever. I feel like I am just a doodler and not a true blue artists. And will I ever have a costume shop or line that is successful or will I just end up doodling shirts for delias? Which wouldnt be bad I think my doodles are shirt worthy but will I ever have an art show which tons of fancy smancy people attend. With me, sporting a black turtle neck, on the arm of a really attractive brazilian man named Adrian?
I just dont believe it right now BUT I really want that to happen someday. I want to be art show artist worthy. Then maybe I wouldnt even need a guy on my arm yeah I WOULDNT my art would naturally attract people to me.
sighs.
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[03 Jul 2009|01:13am] |
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Will you ever win?
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[28 Jun 2009|12:37am] |
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I guess Im doing/done/did what ive always done?
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| So Epic Fail to the layout change. |
[22 Jun 2009|01:36am] |
Epic fail to the layout change, and I used to be SO passionate about computer layouts and such. I used to be passionate about a lot of things though. I learning more and more that I'm just weird, things won't ever be how I like them because I am weird. I used to embrace this but for the longest time I have rejected and resented it. I think its time I take a new approach to this personality thing. Why ignore emotions like fear or anxiety or anti-socialism (lol) i might as well recognize them BECAUSE they are going on for a reason. I'm figuring it out and I think I am on the right track. I got a 99% on my World History Test, YAY ME!!!!! The trouble is is that I always start off well in a class and then waver from there but maybe just maybe thats because it's easier in the beginning then it gradually or suddenly gets harder and harder. I think that is the point of class right? The class really isn't that terrible though: the teacher is tolerable, the classmates arent too naggy, and it's an early in and out. Wait is that a sexual inuendo? I think it could be. Where was I? Oh yeah it's kinda easy-going which I like and the teacher isnt a bitch which is refressshinnngggg. And I kind've like history and in a way i may be easy for me because all it is is retaining (well remembering for a short time) information and I excel in that as momma has said. On the self-discovering thing I think I am also going to start going to see a counsler again. Not Perry. He was nice and mildly attractive and funny and possibly gay in 5 years despite his ex-wife and family...well ex-wife only helps my arguement now doesn't it? BUT he only listened to me figure out my own problems he couldn't really tell what I should or shouldn't do. Well none of them can really do that but Randy, despite his oldness. froglike skull structure, obsession with football (puke), and oldness I think he may be able to help me. Hopefully having someone so different can allow him to bounce ideas off me and be able to question or debate me about something I think or believe.... I just need to look past his oldness. That's really going to bother me BUT he said he is good a putting people on "the path they want to be on" and thats exactly what I am looking for. I am just waiting for one of those epiphany moments to happen where the clouds part and Jesus tells me what my purpose is in this life but I've realized that only happens to people in the Bible and Adam Lambert... and hippies with detailed dreams.
It's funny because like in years past I usually make a lj entry just to avoid homework which is what im avoiding RIGHT at the moment. Oh well I WILL get it finished because I know "I'll wake up in the morning and do it" never works for me. So even if I'm up all night working on a dumb match the term to its definition worksheet I will and must get this done for in the morning I surely won't.
I've developed a tolerance for work. I've developed a mild friendship with the lowlife Carol because she coerced me into it. She is annoying as hell but she really grows on you after awhile plus getting angry and mad and letting it fester and shit only makes it worse for you and for that innocent bystander who feels your wrath. The same sort've goes for Honor in a way but reversed sorta? I like HER as a person alot working with her is golden because she does alot of work REALLY fast like some sortve meth head kitchen fairy. I love it. I go to take out the trash or clean a counter top and it's already done. Snap tap of wand and its clean. Andrea is my tru BF there because she loves Adam Lambert more than I do and she is female. We are so much cooler than anyone else who works there. I really have wanted to ask for a raise for awhile but I figured it would be pointless considering I've only been working two days a week for the last couple months because of my lame lame second semester school schedule. I want to ask now but it just seems rather pointless BUT I am working three times this week (counting tonight) which I am happy about. I may just break 90 on my paycheck next time. YAY!!!!!!!!!!! And working there has really made me avoid people much like any social situation lately I just DON't feel like putting on a smile. I don't feel like playing the "entertainment card" as Carol's annoying and immature but pretty daughter Gail calls it. I don't feel like being funny or going the extra mile to ask this person things or make small talk. Small talk really just makes me annoyed im kind've like the killer in 7 where the guy tries to make smalltalk about the weather on a train with him and he gets so mentally and physically sick at how stupid the mans attempts are that he pukes on him and then smiles. Okay.... maybe not that annoyed. BUT I don't think I ever could turn it on like Honor does. She will make anyone who comes in believe they are old friends who went on this amazing road trip together and had to part ways only to be happily reunited in this little pork joint by a gas station.... what a commodity! lol. One thing I won't miss about Blues is the layer of filth and oder that is absorbed into your clothes and pores whenever you work there. Also since it is hotter now and they dont AC the place it gets freakin hot in the kitchen where the grill is on high and the griddle is a sizzlin'. But I think I will miss Andrea and Carol and Honor. They're like my blues sistas. Hmmmmm and maybe Andrea and I will go see Adam Lambert on the IDOL tour..... I hope its managable with school or then again who gives a fuck I want to see him live. That reminds me I need to buy the rolling stones mag with him on the cover thats a good article on him. I just can't wait to come into Blues and Honor will be like "HEEEEYYYY" and I will be like "HEY OLD FRIEND I'VE MISSED YOU!!! SO SAD WE GOT SEPERATED IN MONTANA!!!!!" Then she can dote about me to whatever new cook is working there and say "Cameron made 'perfect food' and he was the best onion cutter this resteraunt has ever seen. He would also clean the griddle till it was BLUE!!!!" And I would tip nicely. The End.
I do get a week off pretty soon and I think I will take time to do some things I have on my list. You know the list of things you make for yourself to do, things you want to do, and with mine things I HAVE to do.
I had a good saturday this saturday. Mom and I went to some of the FestivALL events and had a good time. We went to the Chili sampling and that was fun, most of the chilis were just ruddy red chili powder based jokes but we found the best chili there and it was Kellys Buffalo chicken (yes I dont know how to spell buffalo lol:O) I hate the nose smileys. yuck. But it was AWESOME. We wanted a whole container but she didnt have any and we ended up giving most of our beads to her because she had the best chili there. She served it with go-cheeze. YUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then mom and I drove to stonewall jackson to watch the weiner dog race and to listen to Rubber Soul perform. We missed the dong race but saw some cute weiners dressed up. lol weiners dressed up!!!!!!!! And we saw some sick cars sickest of all was I think its called the dodge mustand charger? It was red and amazing. I wanted to steal it. I will have one one day. I wont have a family or a pet but I will have that charger and It will get me all the pussy in this muthafuckin' bar. lol I've loved the charger type car since I saw Death Proof (Planet Terror was TEN TIMES BETTER... just sayin.) Thats when we fell in love. And then we listened to Rubber Soul who I liked much better than when I saw them in the word is love. I guess when they werent surrounded by Dan's repetitive theatre writting (sorry if I offend any CYAC children.... cough CULT cough) and bad child singing they are actually really good. Mom and I were swaying to the music on the bleachers in the sun and it was nice. We clapped loudly for them and wooed and stuff. Mom even did her loud obnoxious whoo with my permission lol. lol lol lol. Then we headed back to charleston blvd area because I wanted to go to this art exhibit that was in a nice old charleston house. We looked around and most of the art was really different and artsy fartsy. There was a set of nice picture frames and inside written in nice calligraphy were singular words. Such as: Homo, Stupid, and Cunt (my fav). I imagined a really nice house with a collage of pictures with this in the middle hanging next to an elaborate tapestry and I giggled. There was this one section that was all about boobs and there were boobs knitted on tapestrys? I guess you could call them that. It was funny to me but kind've cool? Not really but if I do appreciate anything on the female anatomy its breasts. I saw this cute little monster human squirrel thing that looked right up my alley and I really wanted to purchase it BUT it was 250 dollars. Lemme tell you when I grow up and have money I am gonna be a huge patron of the arts if I dont become an artist. lol. Then we went and drank water. I explored upstairs even though it was closed off just because I wanted to see the rooms and architecture. I had a moment of silence for the career I will never have and decided one day I want to buy an old house like this and fix it up real nice and snazzy. Then mom and I went home and rested then Dad took me to see Curtains which was REALLY GOOD. MUCH more than I expected it to be. I didn't even think it was a full fledged musical but it surely was. I never knew Crazy but easy to get along with Kristen Pennington's mother was such a great performer. She had one of the leads and she was GREAT. She was a bitchy stage mom producer and she was marvelous. Mine and Dads fav song was "The Woman's Dead" it was hilarious... Dad cried tears of laughter. I also liked how funny the dancing in the show they put on in the show was. It cracked me up. Micheal B was in it and like always I swooned over him for a brief minute when he wore a cute little cowboy number. That boy will always cast a big gay spell over me. But I think I will just leave it at that forever lol. I've never had the confidence to really talk to him well I had the confidence to slam him against a wall and make out with him a little bit but that was granted I had some grey goose in me.
I'm sort've learning that about Fame and Gay Men. I really don't want to go looking for it anymore or hoping or dreaming for either. I'd rather just work on myself. I have songs in my heads. Melodies since I was like 8 that I havent forgotten yet and I need to get them out of my system despite what anyone else thinks. I want to do it for me because I know I would really enjoy it. Plus its driving me nuts to have them just floating around and never being truely broadcasted for hearing pleasure. Thats why I need an outlet and thats why -wince everyone!- i'm going to attempt the guitar again. I may call Ryan back for lessons if he will take me BUT I may just go the Youtube route. Who knows I'll figure it out. Maybe this more than a week I am off in july I can figure it out. And fame is fame I dont want to be famous anymore..... well of course everyone wants to be but I know its not something people should go after unless they know and others know its for them. Well not really but I dont know what im saying la la la (hahaha fashionista). I'd rather just sing, write, dance, and compose for myself. If I get acknowledged sometime in the future than so be it but thats not my top priority anymore. And boys are just not worth it. I've gone through teacher, pothead punky stoner, stereotypical superficial fashionista wannabe, and black athelete. I hate to make them all sound like labeled conquests but honestly thats what I feel like they were. And that was only really this year!!!!! I still got like 7 months left! WATCH ME CONQUER EM ALL... GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL FAGGOTMON! I'm actually on detox right now and I think I will be for awhile. I wanna work on me FOR REAL this time and lean to love me truely before I can ever let someone else love me as much as I will hopefully. If that makes any sense. And I dont mean the egocentric kindve love I just mean having self worth and self love so I can really make others around me happy as well in result. Ahhh im not making sense anymore oh well.
Oh and since I might as well conform to the man im going to do college and finish it out and all that good old societal norms type deal. I've decided I want to go into Graphic Design, the illustration type deal (I aint bein pepsi or cokes bitch makin them lame pola bear addssss nu huh.), then once I gradute I want to go to grad school, out of state, and get my M.F.A. Master of Fine Arts in Costume Design. I think it sounds badass and fun. I just hope it doesnt turn into that whole dont let your passion become work because it will become old type deal or something and ive always been a perfectionist when it comes to art and assignments and I am 50% of the time dissappointed with my results but I will make it work damnit. : )
And once again I have managed to waste a late hour that I should be directing towards school work to write and epically long lj entry. Yay me.
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| Livejournal is Dead. |
[22 May 2009|02:59am] |
It's weird because all I wanted to be was Cam-cam again but I have realized that
I used to take pride in how self-aware I am but now I'm just wishing I had less opinion over who I am. I want to just go with the flow but it's kind've hard when I have this constant nagging feeling that I know I can do better. I can be better. Somehow. Nothing is right anymore, nothing is high school. Well nothing is my freshman and sophmore year. Nothing fits anymore, the spelling the punctuation the periods just don't work anymore. I used to think I had flow, no no I know I had flow, my writting had an energy but now that is extinct. Life just isn't high school anymore. I don't click with people like I did in high school, as I've talked to with old kept friends before, I think the reason we all were so close is because we just clicked. plain and simple. We didn't have to "get to know each other" we didnt have to get past the walls we've built against people. We just understood each other if not instantly. IDK my bff Rose. It just sucks because people these days are just getting more and more complicated and silly. I feel like maybe it's me and in some ways it is. When I am with people, as my sister has said "everyone does it", but I feel like I have a more advanced state/case. I pick apart my time with people, not everyone, not usually with people I really just click with, you know who you are. BUT I just find so many things awkward things that are wrong that no matter how hard I try to swim against I just end up getting washed out by the wave. It's like eveyone is a wave, but unlike in HS I can't just surf along and enjoy the ride. No now I have to worry about coral reefs and giant monster octapusses ready to swallow me whole. Also rip tides and all the other methaphors and analogies you more clever people can come up with.
I feel like I am digressing. I feel like middle school again and I really hate it. Not to mention I have braces and weight again which only makes the middleschool idea more real. Im immature, I really am. Sometimes I can't even look people in the eyes.
I just want someone to fix me up, just tell me what im doing wrong and point me in the right direction because right now I feel like burning out like the candle sitting on my desk.
I just wanna burn out.
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| Raise your Glass. |
[15 Apr 2009|01:39am] |
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Here's to Everything------Coming down to nothing.
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| I Was Feelin' Low. |
[12 Mar 2009|04:24am] |
I miss him alot but there's nothing I can do about it anymore.
Guess I just gotta go out and be me, love me because every attempt I've had with loving anyone else has failed.
I guess it was just bad timing but maybe it was bad timing for me and I just don't know it.........yet
I will become someone everyone wants and then I will be the one breakin hearts, mine won't be so soft anymore.
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[06 Mar 2009|02:00am] |
I feel so sad.
I feel like no one really knows me anymore, not one gets me, and I know it sounds emo but it's true. I open up to people and they just shut me out or talk about me I've gathered. They think i'm too much or too crazy bottom line I just don't think anyone gets it.
I apoligize for opening up to you world, I'm ready to close-up. I'm ready to have a thick shell and I'm also ready for none of you to understand this.
It's eating at me.
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[03 Mar 2009|09:33pm] |
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I just want to explode
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| If You didn't see THIS anywhere ELSE: enjoy. |
[28 Feb 2009|01:43am] |
Okay SO.... I was just conversating with some buds over the internet and we have come to a conclusion: If Angelina Jolie were taking the night off from her busy life and was just walking down a dark alley way only to find Jennifer Aniston dumpster diving a scuffle would ensue and Angelina would "cut that bitch." Because let's be honest Angelina doesn't play like that and "Jen" would wimper, cower, and then pee a little. It would not matter what kind've of fight rules would apply overall Angelina would trump Aniston because as Sean Harler put it: and yes Angelina would totally kill Jennifer. it's just the way of the jungle..
Tigress always beats monkey.
Which I find funny because Angelina did the voice of a tiger in that Kung Fu Panda movie. ALSO another thing: How IN the hell does Aniston get celeb of the year from People Magazine?!?!?!?! All she did last year was Marley and Me AND THATS FUCKIN' IT! Oh wait she also said something like "That's uncool..." to Angelina's words about Brad or something like that. Wow...... who did she have to blow to get that cover?
Please end your subscriptions to that trash immediately after reading this.
>>>>Also in 2008 Angelina came out with Kung Fu Panda, Wanted, and Changeling. A Broad spectrum of movies comparing to Aniston's lil doggie flick. She also gave birth to BEAUTIFUL TWINSSS!!!!!
SideNote: The cover of Aniston on GQ.... made me puke a little in my mouth.
I also feel she peaked during friends... or better yet Leprechaun (aka the start of her terrible Career)
SIDENOTE (2): You know that part in The Break Up where she walks across the room naked to tease Vince Vaughen? I don't see how that was attractive at all... her skin looked old and worn out Kroger baggy even.
One Last Thing: I just googled Jennifer Aniston to make sure I was spelling Jennifer right and the next search topic that showed up was "Jennifer Aniston hair" I will slap any of you who looks to this F-list (And I dont mean "fuck") celebrity for hair inspiration.
What Jonny Blevins had to say: "I'd pick Angelina" His mother cries and says "You know a year ago you would've picked Jennifer" The first paragraph is exactly why he picked Angie.
What Amy had to say about this matter: frill
That is all.
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